The Chronicles of Alex Wagner.

My name was Alexandra Rose Wagner.
When I was of legal age, I had it changed to Alex Wagner. My father did not approve. He was the one who wanted me to be named Alexandra, and have that rich, female name. It did not suit my personality. I did not like the girly connotation of being Alexandra Rose Wagner. He was not happy when he realized I changed my name. It caused a huge fight…not like a fight was anything unusual for my family. He eventually cooled. My father has always been the only one who could call me Alexandra.
But that was who I used to be. Now no one even calls me Alex. No one knows me by who I once was…save myself and those who brought me here. The ones who took me away tried to erase any and all memories of who I once was, but they just couldn’t get deep enough. I still remember.
I can remember the way my mother looked the last time I saw her. Panic-stricken as usual. She was afraid that going out when the weather was so shifty was unsafe. But I had to assure her.
She was right.
She must love that.
I can also remember the way his hands felt on my skin that night, how they slid over my bare flesh in the back of his car. It was the last time he touched me, the last time he saw me.
What would they think now.
They call me Hawk. Yes, Hawk. Supposedly it suits who I am and what I am. Its not a lovely name. Its not girly, or elegant, or something that looks good on resumes. My family won’t see that name and think of my face, or the clothes I was wearing that night. No, my name is just Hawk. There is no room for a nickname or anything personal. Its just what I am now. Something and someone completely different from who and what I once was.
There is nothing I wouldn’t give to go back to being Alex. But its too late for that now.

I tell you these things as a warning. I am not like them. I know who I was. I know the life I left behind. I had family, a fiancé. I had a degree and hopes for work and a family of my own and dreams of growing old. And I can remember those things. Those around me cannot even remember their own names. Their real names, the ones that their families remember them by. The names that matter.
But I have all of it, stored deep in the recesses of my mind where they cannot touch it. Where they cannot take it away.
My name was Alex Wagner.
I was just like you not so long ago. Until they took me, and took away the ones I loved. They took away my identity and even though I am one of them…I want to see them die. I want to see us die. I want to die myself. I want to be able to forget the memories of the past, the things I have done, and the undeniable future that awaits for those unlike us.
I write this…in hopes that someone will put it in the right hands. I want someone to know my story and to know who I am as intimately as I know myself. Perhaps then we can all be saved.

Time.

My private blog rarely goes a day without a new posting. But this one has simply been waiting for some time.

I don't want to get rid of it because it is so much more...real than the private blog. That probably doesn't make sense to a reader of this, but I understand the difference. There is something inately more me here. And I don't want to let it go.

I'm not sure what to do with this. I may turn it into a book blog, or just write when the mood strikes. We shall see.
-allie-